Sunday, December 12, 2010

PFC Joseph Wilhelm

Afghanistan, APOAE (R):

This baby face does not belong there, doing this. None of them belongs there.

Be grateful for who and what you have this christmas.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


co-pursing (inadvisable)

car-pursing (run)

nutwhacking (not fair to nuts nor bathtubs, hopefully outgrown by age eight)

cami-whore (if i live to be 100 i will never wear all these camis. fuck you old navy. god they're amazing though.)


ihasbraindeath (it's not my fault)

there are these things called africa (three hours of yo gabba gabba when you're 32)

bitchface (self. explan. a. tory.)

that's fat (when there's a dish of butter on your bed, along with dinner.)

my vagina's not a clown car
(discussing the duggars)

but what are we gonna do about sugar?
(all roads lead to dessert. see that's fat.)

hell of (all-purpose unit of measurement, strictly in dialogue.)

too active (when any sound, smell, question, or situation feels fatal.)

grandeicedamericanoinaventicuplighticewiththerestoftheroomcream,andanicedsoycarmelmacchiatoinaventicupwiththerestoftheroomsoywithextracarmel repeat 13 times (how to kill a starbucks barista)

rugburn (that which offends your senses. an outfit, a name, a comforter, an idea...)

"what?" (the most brilliant response to saying or doing ANYTHING and getting away with it.)

but i am le tired (so have a nap then fire ze missiles.)

salad (any voice, gesture, or presentation that is weak, thready, and/or uncomfortable in an irresistible way.)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

less than 3 less than 3!

All in one breath:

Heavenly blackberries from Melanie, intended for a cobbler, but were instead eaten in handfuls by me, bwahaha!

From Gail, who always sends the most amazing books ever. (I cheated and started it before finishing my other 56--oops!)

The very rod of rainbow candles I had coveted days earlier at World Market and discouraged from buying. And the glass votives! Rainbow-rama!


JABON!!! And more Mason jars to satisfy my fix:

From my sweetest tween, a love we share, most of which I'm certain he'll use, lol:

A bag of perfection for mind, body, and soul, from my beloved Dyan. Hurry back to Oregon lady. "Red makes the world happen!" Words to live by:

A glimpse of the outpouring from my honey girl. Starbucks gift card, candy, and the most beautiful earrings in the world. Not to mention the surprise party to beat all surprise parties:

My love affair with these tights shall continue, as will my collection of Tree Hut lotion. Seriously, there was no end to the generosity nor perfection of selections:

I got Reilly one of these for her birthday, and have been secretly/openly jealous. Obviously Debe got sick of my whining. Plus a pinch of being the most thoughtful person ever. Thanks jerkface: Truly madly deeply. Everyone ignored my pleas to downplay this whole aging bullshit, and ulitmately my greatest gift was the superior company around me. Not to mention:

-My candy from Rei...back off!
-My overflowing bag of clothes from Old Navy, and copious gift cards from mi madre. <3
-My stunning camera case!
-My subscription to Psychology Today!!!
-My vegan cookbook from Dyan, who had better hurry back to OR to cook me something rad.
-Hand made cards, cash, so many well wishes, and telephone calls from my most treasured people.
-Todd wearing a party hat!

32 taught me in technicolor what I don't want in life, and 33 has been awash in everything I do.

Next year the tandem bicycle for SURE! xoxo

Sunday, August 8, 2010

prince of whales

Our son Jared Alexander, four months, sporting the whale suit his American mama sent him:

Proud Papa, Maurice, with Jared:

This kid is so genetically blessed it's crazy.

Yeah Mes, I promised the kids a trip to The British Isles, and these two gents pretty much sealed it. We may have to smuggle some of them home, however. Reilly will go nuts for Baby J, and Quinn will try to blend in and pretend he was there all along. You have enough kids you won't notice. He wants to go to school in Maidstone with Tahira and Griffin. Kthanks.♥

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Mini bouquet from Reilly. Now if I just had a thimble...♥

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

a mid summer day's night

Impromptu phone pics snapped today:

These flip flop are so absurdly small:

The simple things:

SSDD: Quinn hitting the road with Israel and Jeshua:

Searching for Bella, who ran away to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. But what could be greener than Todd's garden:

The back forty, "Here...Bella...Bella..." (Note my sincerity.):

Father daughter rescue mission: Accomplished:

Home safe. Two feisty girls always seeking adventure:

That's obviously my iPod. Ha. Sweet dreams.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

you had me at whore.

Sneaking off of bed rest for a drive out to the country at twilight on a Friday is genius. I'm a genius. Or Tami's a drunk. Or we can split the difference and say both are true.

The drive is the perfect length: Long enough to listen to the best new compilation in the world.

Upon arrival, Deb and I were greeted by the sweetest little Drew Barrymore bug, with her signature sidelong glance, all snapped up in her sporty red baby butt. I love red diaper covers, they're my favourite. It was obvious that there was no dipping into this pool. The pizza was sliced and the serving ware in its elegant state of preparedness. It was clearly dive-only:
I laughed so hard at this. So seemingly ghetto, yet so brilliant. Clearly, Karinda is a black belt in multi-tasking. I ♥ you!

We were in charge of the sweet part of the night's culinary rotation, which meant that I lay on the floor pissed off and idle, and Debe used six different bowls to make these sick rainbow cupcakes. I mean, these were the kind you don't want to share. They're also the kind that slide on the dashboard and into the windshield, coating the ENTIRE surface, somehow, and even between the two of us, I can just say that carrying an ice sculpture or a harp would have been easier. We gave the embarrassing ones to the kids.
This is not to say that adults can't be embarrassing with cupcakes. Can everyone just always shut up when I'm eating or drinking?!?!?

I'm not a major drinker. It's always Russian Roulette for me. I can either have the time of my life and laugh out of this galaxy, or it hits so hard that a road collision at high speeds would be gentler. Last night I got stuck somewhere in between. I drink seldom enough that I forget that (pomegranate MARGARITAS) take a bit to kick in, so I get super tough and knock 'em back until the point whereupon it feels as if my actual self is slipping down inside my skin, like socks that have lost their elasticity, and I hear "Ha ha Cheyenne's drunk! Look at her!" Or in Tami's case, "Ha ha Chey-Anne's drunk!"

Then I try to pass myself off like some smooth operator and when Karinda ushers us outside to chillax in her hammocks, it sounds like best idea anyone ever had. Hm. Chey-Anne + four pomegranate margaritas + a hammock = "Ohmygod please tell me these flowers aren't precious...(imminent vomit sound)!" Fully prepared to do a face plant into the ground, I heard Debe say, "No! Those are chives! Don't puke!" The ensuing improvisation set a record, even for this mastermind. But, are chives that important for real?

Getting out of the hammock, omg.

After spinning clockwise for a couple hours, followed by swaying, then protecting the chives like they were the goddamned Hope Diamond, I needed to spin counter clockwise for a bit before we left. These heartless bishes were as funny as they pleased, while pouring water on me and whatever other hazing rituals are commonly imposed upon lightweights. The s-p-i-n-n-i-n-g forced my eyes shut, but I wasn't deaf, which I'm not sure they knew. I felt like Shelby in Steel Magnolias, after her diabetic episode, when the others are talking about her and she says "Ddddon'ttt tttalk about me like I'm not heere."

We finally bid these wicked bumkins adieu and made plans to get to the bottom of these bottles soon, and hit the road.

Back story: When Debe recently moved, she bought all Corelle dishes. I was incredulous. "Um, these are shit. These are so flimsy. I'm embarrassed for you. Did you go to Walmart?" Whoa.

"Excuse me? These are Corellllle, and they're amazing. My grandma has had hers for fifty years. They're indestructible, and they came from Target so shut the fuck up!"

"Ooooohhkay, but they suck."

The next day she bought more bowls, and two fell out of the car and onto the pavement. And didn't break. Or scratch. I was 9% impressed.

So back to last night: We pulled in her driveway and I grabbed the serving platter off the dashboard. It had just been at my house, unclaimed, for 40+ months, but after the Corelle lesson, I could tell by the thinnish feel that this was Debe's and returned it. As I was getting out, I asked, "Is this Corelle too?"


"I knew it. Is it shatter-proof too?"

"Mmhmm. Try it."

"What?" (Am I still drunk?)

"Throw it on the ground. It won't break I swear."

Against every fiber of my OCD, I was compelled to see this nearly see-through platter survive a light toss. "Watch," I said, "I'll be the one asshole who breaks one."

At least I was right.

Thank you ladies, for a night of smashing good fun. Until next time!

-Diane kew5

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Deborah is crazy. She's always inviting you over and then springing some completely random and highly uncomfortable idea on you, such as "Let's get out the Slip 'N Slide!" (Meaning us too.) And she is surprisingly difficult to refuse. The other day we took the kids to Pietro's Pizza, which I've long avoided due to the very trap in which I was ensnared. Damnit. I knew we were sending the kids in to play laser tag, but it became clear she was herding all of us in there. "Um. I'm not really playing laser tag Deborah." "Oh it will be fun, just get in here!" Before I knew it I was watching the instructional video. Next we picked our guns. I was reticent. But glad to get #15.

We decided it was adults versus kids.

O.M.G. It was so much fun. Quinn is a straight-up rockstar. Everytime I turned around my target was deactivated and I barely even saw him. And Shannon, that quiet blushing thing? She'll shoot your heart right out. And when they teamed up on us, in the corner of the base, I was laughing so hard I was utterly worthless. Obviously we're going back everyday.

The scoring system was kind of fucked. I scored the most points, but Quinn won.

After the adrenaline wore off we followed Deborah down her rabbit hole, as always.

That's me, Bootstrap:

The only thing Buffy is good for. To hold the coffee that goes with the cheesecake. (Oh and as a sleep aid.)

Y gracias por los libros!

Friday, June 25, 2010


I still remember you like this, in your Little Mermaid swim suit, following me around, absorbing all the sophistication a 10 year old had to offer. We watched Dirty Dancing for three days straight, which I never figured out why your parents allowed. (I'm smooth like that. You're welcome if I corrupted you!)

But Miss Kristin, I am so proud and thrilled to welcome Baby Ava! Gorgeous and perfect, just like her sister. I was on pins and needles all day yesterday as Bob was texting me updates, even as she drove to the hospital!

Seven pounds, ten ounces of perfection, and we are on our way. (Reilly is determined to come smuggle Natalie home in her suitcase, lol.)

Three beautiful ladies:

Now in the midst of all this bliss, I must caution both you Bobs: If someone doesn't have a boy soon, the population will cease to exist, lol.

I'm so proud of you kiddo, and so glad she's here. You are a rockstar, and all your bandmates are girls. :)

Welcome home Ava:

I'll keep my eye out for Little Mermaid swim suits...