This is the funniest birthday card I have ever gotten, I found it in my purse this morning:
How did this come to appear in the mountain of shit I pretend fits in my purse? I have no fucking clue but I'm going to attempt to piece it together. The sequence of the last 15 hours is more difficult to discern than Pulp Fiction, but so worth remembering.
Just FYI: I'm not one of those people who requires alcohol to have the greatest night ever, and then brandish it later like some badge of ... adolescence? Nope. No hops nor barley were sacrificed in the making of this insane choose-your-own adventure/let others choose your own adventure story.
Can I just say? Debe, you are hands down the funniest person I have ever met, and that is saying a hell of a lot because a) I thought I was (jerk), and b) I only associate with the funniest people on earth and you make them all seem as charming as Kenneth Starr. Never before has someone gotten me to puke orange Vita-Drink (or whatever that shit was) out of every bodily orifice just by saying, "She must come from..." You didn't even finish the sentence, I just exploded because I knew you were good for it. It was an act of god that I made it to the kitchen before my guts turned inside out in your sink (even they were laughing). I also peed my pants and puked on my sleeve but whatever.
Backstory: I met Debe, and have not stopped laughing ever since. Recently she was such a bitch she went to CA and I was so despondent her ass had to come home, though there may have been other non-me-related circumstances as well. Anyway, after cleaning like a madman all week for everyone I know, and getting my requisite 48 invitations, I went over last night in my worst gypsy cleaning frock, and instantly did seven back flips when I saw that Taylor and Maddie were there, and then got really nauseated and ruined the entire night. No it's true. Why else would I drink Vita-Drink? Duh. I don't even know what we talked about, but I laughed until my body did things that were so embarrassing the only options were to kill everyone or become blood brothers. This would have been quite easy since they spontaneously decided to pierce each other. I was pretty much not down with this considering Taylor the piercer (also not drunk) fell backwards in his chair 19 times, even though he is not a sagittarius.
I was so nauseated I was convinced I was pregnant. Plus, I inexplicably peed 168 times. I was so pregnant and exhausted, plus I laughed so hard, fuck the treadmill, I lost 15 lbs. last night alone. Maddie is the cutest thing ever, well, so is Taylor, but she was making a sock monkey (creeeeepy) and he was playing that Guitar Hero game or whatever that suddenly every friend I have plays non-stop, so I talked to Maddie first. Admittedly, I am no seamstress but she put the red crescent supposed-to-be-mouth-right? on the ass by accident, so obviously we had no choice but to laugh about prolapsed rectums until Debe noticed that Maddie was fully exposed in her skirt at the table and our collective IQ dropped to accommodate those insane hilarious younger-than-us bastards. I think that's when Debe made me puke/aspirate.
Then it started. Maddie decided she needed a mango, which I attributed to her obvious ADHD the first 719 times she said it, but then it became real. She would not shut up so I decided she was pregnant too. Meanwhile, everyone in the room was texting someone named Mike or in my case, Michael, and it got hella confusing. Maddie is white, but has a gorgeous golden tint, like a perfectly toasted marshmallow, and I asked her if she was part Latina. She went ballistic, claiming to be Afro-Brazilian, which naturally led to her being black all night. At one point, as she was adding Rastafarian yarn hair to her sorry-assed (literally) monkey, Taylor threw a piece of black yarn at her and she was all, "What, you thought I wouldn't see that because it landed on my arm and I'm black?" She is so fucking funny. Later, I confessed, because Taylor and Maddie are in love with my candor, that I get possessive about certain word usage, and Maddie said, "Like in Finding Nemo, when those birds are like, 'mine mine mine'." It defies reality that I didn't throw up on Debe's couch, except she would slit my throat, dead serious.
Everyone was starving and I was really pissed because I was nauseated and ruining their lives. And Maddie would not shut up about the mangoes. Like ever. Subsequently, Taylor regaled us with how incredibly comfortable this new crop of people is with their own, and everyone else's, sexuality. Oh my god. He has seen more penises than a urologist, and has some very interesting pictures on his phone, which I declined to look at on the grounds of the nausea and well... I was so dizzy and sick I just wanted to accept Debe's 50th offer to spend the night, close my eyes, and have them entertain me until I could pass out. Alas, I said, "I should totally go," despite the fact that I was actually swaying by that point. As I was being read my last rites, Taylor and Debe went to the store, and I finally accepted the fact that I was staying, which of course I had wanted all along, duh, why do you think I had toothpaste in my purse? But I had forgotten a toothbrush. Fuck. I had my head buried in a blanket at that point but Maddie heard my groans and called and ordered me a toothbrush. A Circle K toothbrush, aka a prison toothbrush, but I so didn't care because the very thought of sleeping without brushing my teeth made them turn instantly into corduroy, blech. I cannot even sleep next to someone who has not brushed their teeth, and consider it a severe character flaw. It had like one, glorious, bristle, but I could have married those guys. Taylor also brought me Pepto-Bismol, which tasted like jiz, which led to more stories from his young and highly sex-centric life. I just want to thank the baby Jesus that I got out of there without seeing that guy's junk. And yet somehow the earth screeched to a halt when I took off my bra? Hypocrites. Every time Debe spoke, I somehow got three inches closer to her, because humour is so alluring, until I was essentially in her lap. That may have been awkward, I can't remember. (Remember to do it in person to maximize awkwardness? HAHAHAHAHA!) Maddie sat on my feet and was eating these heinous flaming hot Cheetos, and I could have kicked her teeth in, except she was sitting on my feet. Disgusting. And I'm not sure she brushed her teeth. They seriously bought Thanksgiving dinner worth of overpriced red dye 40-riddled bullshit. Then I spied Taylor's Sprite and instantly regretted having denied their offers of everything from the store. Dammit. I drank some of his, despite having heard stories that made the devil inside me blush and apologize. Then I ate Ramen because Debe is so effing awesome she keeps Oriental Ramen on hand always, as do I. I was starting to perk up a bit, and really got a surge when Taylor appeared with his Totino's pizza, which you know cost $7.99. I was so jealous I was dying, and had to go pee again. (I'd had almost three gallons of water.) They were so sweet, Debe and Taylor jumped up and went back to the store (it was 3am) to get me a pizza and Sprite, and Maddie started asking me about relationships, for chrissake. I declared "EPIC FAIL" and assured her she was better off without my input. I did subtly convey never to care about anyone, ever, by grabbing her beautiful throat and gnashing, "Do not ever care about anyone. Ever." Cut to this morning, or an hour later. It was light out, and I could feel that my eyes had sunken into my skull, my hair was matted down like a wet cat, and my entire pillow was soaked. That equals leaving, immediately, and never going back. Whether my head somehow leaked, or someone leaked on me, it's no good. I scooped up my purse-runneth-over, and fled the scene. That's when I saw the card. I laughed so hard I drove over the curb and would have had tears streaming down my face had my head not shriveled up like a goddamn raisin. And then the laughter stopped.
I never got my pizza, wtf?
And that sliver of sleep has to last me all day.
And it was all kinds of worth it.
And I will kick anyone's ass who calls you Deeb.
And HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW I WASN'T WALKING DOWN KUEBLER AVENUE Y-CHROMOSOME MOTHERFUCKER! Did he think I was getting home via carrier pigeon? Jesus.