Tuesday, April 8, 2008
i crown thee fat
You may have noticed, I am rarely mistaken for Heidi Klum, or any of her uber-glam friends. Despite the euphemisms you've all been so gracious as to extend, the plain and simple and bitter truth is, I am fat. Obese, if you want to be technical. I have only dwelled within the plus-sized realm in the years since Reilly's birth, and I think subconsciously I've been expecting to just shrink back down to my pre-baby size, which was quite thin. To expedite the process, and as a pre-celebration, I've indulged in 500 calorie coffees, and entire boxes of donuts, just knowing my old body was right around the corner, when in fact, my current body reaches around the corner, lol.
B and I lost 30 pounds apiece last spring, just eating with common sense and dancing. (Please, no one conjure up an image of me dancing. I shall be forced to kill us both.) So we know we can do it. We just always cave in situations wherein we are: A) out and about, B) in, C) sad, D) happy, E) deserving. So you can see our dilemma. B has joked, after so many false starts, that "We need a ceremony or something." So this is it. I'm announcing in front of all our friends/enemies/lurkers, that as of now we are 100% committed to dropping some serious weight. No excuses.
In lieu of the gifts lavished upon royalty at a real ceremony such as this, all we ask is that none of you nosh anything sweet/salty/bready/carby/delicious/marginally palatable in our presence. We'll be eating lettuce wrapped in lettuce, and it would really mean a lot to us if you'd do so in solidarity. No seriously, break out the Twinkies if you must. We're going hard-core, and we won't even wince.
(But I might slash your tire...)