Sunday, November 9, 2008

self pity rant

I'm just beginning the third week of my new lifelong, do-not-pass-go, no-possibility-of-parole, sentence of eating essentially Top Ramen and wheat germ for the rest of my life. I survived the first week because B baked me some uber-healthy muffins which were definitely dense in that earthy way, but very tasty. Ever the lazy bastard, I basically just ate those for every meal. Then I got all motivated and started making salsadillas for lunch. (Avocado and salsa on a corn tortilla, sans cheese [oh cheese].)

Week two found me in a compromised mental state, so I checked into Chez Kinch, where I slept and slept and slept and was awakened for custom-made treats such as the best wraps in the world, delectable scones, meat charred to perfection, an assortment of potatoes (with real commercial ketchup!), and so much more. I had approximately 1.5 brain cells functioning, and never did I strain them to think about what to eat.

Back at the home front, I am the first one up today and in need of nourishment so I can take my pills, so I don't go crazy, yada yada yada. I hunted Like Man vs. Wild for some grub (even a real grub would do), but alas, all I can find is sourdough bread, chocolate donuts, yogurt, pudding, bagels, protein powder (can't have the whey), waffles, and a spider in the corner above me. Now, we know what Bear Grylls would do. He'd roast the spider over a match and then wash it down with his own urine, or whose ever urine happened to be lying around his neck in a snake skin. But this is a tiny spider, not enough to chase down my 1,105 pills. We all know I don't cook, but there isn't much here even if I did. I can't have pot roast for breakfast, nor soup, that's just wrong. All my avocados went bad the week I was spent at B's, stupid bastards. On the bright side, today is grocery day, but I don't even know what to put on the list. I think my cooking retardation ought to entitle me to a handicap tag for my car. I so desperately want the sourdough toast. Damn you all. And coffee? We'd better not even go there, lest I kill someone.

Fuck it, I just won't take the pills. Then I'll have another breakdown and go back to B's. Take that Bear Grylls.

3 comments:

B Kinch said...

I laughed so hard I peed into a snakeskin!

Breakfast: fried potatoes with or without vegetables, breakfast burritos-potatoes, beans, corn, tomatoes, salsa, avocado etc in a tortilla. Bacon and fruit. Oatmeal with walnuts, raisins and agave syrup(if you're out of the bottle, use a stick or two). Cream of wheat with the same toppings or some fruit. Smoothie with soymilk, banana and agave. Check all those various protein bars Todd keeps in the cupboard for ingredients. You might luck out. Cereal with soymilk. Home made pancakes with EnerG egg replacer (orangeish box in the cupboard) with agave syrup on top.

I'll try to bake up some tasty stuff for the freezer this weekend. Love you. Hang in there.

Cheyenne said...

But OCD, the driving force in my brain, feels that cooking is completely counter-intuitive. Why am I cleaning the crevices of the stove if I'm just going to splatter bacon everywhere?

I think I might rather die of starvation in a clean home than eat me some bacon in a greasy one.

gail said...

look at b giving you lots of menu ideas :) loved the roasting the spider over a match, lol. just go to the store with b and stock up on some stuff. some non-messy stuff :) keep a list of the ideas handy - lists rule, remember, especially if they are written with purple sharpie. hope it gets easier, and tastier, for you.